he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
