My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.