ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives