I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
