I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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