he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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