I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
