Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
