Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
