Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Are we in a gay sports bar?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
