he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
