I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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