U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
