Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
