Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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