I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
