when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
