I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
there was a trapeze. enough said
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
