I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
