I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
