Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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