I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Is it because I queefed?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
