my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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