I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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