Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
