When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize