Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
