I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
