if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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