totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
