please come you make the beer taste better
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
