Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
