sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She needs sedatives and a leash
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
