turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
sarcasm needs its own font
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
