I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
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I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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