Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
