alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When are your genitals available?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
