i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
