I would go down on you faster than GM stock
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
