dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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