I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
