why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
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i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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