I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
