he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
