i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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