so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
