um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
