sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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