If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
