DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
