You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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