I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Boobs are out for the taking
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
