I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize