I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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