Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
