Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
