How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
