Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
