Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i think i have two assholes
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i think my cat just said my name.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
