i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
there is glitter all over my balls
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