someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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