R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
