I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
