apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
